Let the (alternative) games begin!*

 

The Games of the XXXIII Olympiad have begun with all the stunning techno wizardry and cultural iconography the French could muster, and when it comes to cultural iconography, the French have it in
spades.

As we all know, Australia needs to do well in the first week of any Olympic Games because once the swimming concludes, we’re pretty much like fish out of water. Sure, we’ll pick up medals in a few other sports later in the show, but we know that if we have any chance of ending up in a respectable position on the final medal tally, it’s mostly up to the swimmers to get us there.

Since the era of the modern Olympic Games, which commenced in 1896, various sports have been discontinued and others added. In the 1900 Games in Paris, hot air ballooning and croquet were contested. They only survived one Games, mainly because the only competitors were French. Other sports we don’t see at Olympic level any more are tug-of-war, obstacle course racing, steeplechase and stone throw.

Climbing, surfing and skateboarding were all added to the list of competitive sports in the 2020 Games, and this year, breakdancing will make its Olympic debut.

Which brings us to the Olympic motto: Faster, Higher, Stronger – Together (or Citius, Altius, Fortius – Communiter for the pretentious among us).

While there is no doubt that sports like skateboarding and breakdancing require considerable athletic skills, it remains unclear how they fit into the criteria suggested by the motto. Breakdancing is, as the name indicates, primarily a form of dance and is therefore a recreational activity rather than a sport. Skateboarding too, for all the skill required to stay on the board while performing gravity-defying moves, is a recreational activity, and both breakdancing and skateboarding are also cultural pursuits.

With that in mind, there are some other sports that could be considered for future Olympiads.

Firstly, Olympic Opera Singing. Opera singers train for years to develop the lung capacity and breathing precision of an Ariarne Titmus coupled with the ability to sidestep obstacles on stage will all the agility of a Sam Kerr (who could forget the fateful night Dame Joan Sutherland did a hammy while performing Lucia di Lammermoor?). On top of that, they have to develop a voice that can soar to the back row of the dress circle. It could be gold for Australia as Nicole Car edges out Russia’s Anna Netrebko on points with a chandelier-shattering rendition of Un bel di vedremo in the Olympic auditorium. At least this meets the ‘Higher’ criterion of the Olympic motto.

Secondly, ballroom dancing. Well, if breakdancing gets a guernsey, why not? Baz Luhrmann’s 1992 Strictly Ballroom showed us the highly competitive nature of this form of dance. Come to think of it, why not ballet? Ballet dancers not only have the strength and athleticism of gymnasts, but they do it all to music.

Perhaps online gaming could be included. This would not only reflect the Games in our advanced technological age, but think of the money that countries would save by not having to send the competitors overseas. Instead, the Australian Fortnite or Overwatch team could just compete from their bedrooms without having to change their black t-shirts.

How about Olympic Speed-dating? Teams compete against one another to get the most phone numbers of other eligible contestants. Bonus points if they actually end up on a date. Now that would certainly meet the ‘Together’ part of the Olympic motto.

In 2032 the Games will return to Australia, with Brisbane in the spotlight. Perhaps some quintessentially Aussie sports could be included. Backyard cricket? Gumboot throwing? Crocodile wrestling? All to the background aroma of a Bunnings sausage sizzle.

                                                                                            Cartoon by Michael Leunig

*First published as the editorial in Braidwood's Changing Times, 31 July 2024


 

 

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